How many things can go wrong?

I love doing massage, I really do. I like to believe that after 10 years (yes, 10 YEARS) I have become quite good at what I do. The one thing I still struggle with is keeping my brain focused on what I'm doing for the entirety of the session. It's something I have been working on I'd like to say since day one but really it's only been for the last maybe three years when I realized that being mentally present during a massage may make a difference. I don't know, I could be wrong. Anyway, in case you're wondering if this is actually going somewhere, yes, it is, be patient and all will become clear, grasshopper.

I love doing massage and I love my massage office and I'm really getting much better at paying attention while I'm giving someone a massage but I have this problem. The guy who lives right next to my office, he is my problem, as is the dog that lives next to him and the flight for life helicopter our city insists on using. Those are my problems in a nutshell.

Let me explain. This afternoon I was giving this really nice woman a massage. Today is her birthday, she's up here from Albuquerque and she's a massage therapist. Can I just say I really wish I didn't know that last little bit of information. It gives me a terrible case of stage fright and then I'm just sure they are hating everything I do. Yes, I realize this is a confidence problem and I need to get over it and I'm quite competent at what I do but I'm trying to stay focused during my massages. I can't stay focused AND work on my confidence problem all at the same time. I'M JUST NOT THAT AMAZING. Anyway, despite the fact that I know she is a massage therapist I felt the massage was going well, we were 30 minutes in and she hadn't expressed disgust and demanded to leave so I felt pretty good... and then it all started.

It began with ADD boy next door. ADD boy does not live next door, thank god, but he is either a relative of the man who lives next door or the son of a friend of the man who lives next door. I don't really feel it's my place to criticize the way other people raise the children... alright maybe I do, but this boy's father needs to be smacked repeatedly. He pulls his van into the drive way which is right next to my office window and then goes inside, leaving one, possibly two highly excitable boys in the car with DUCK CALLS. I kid you not. At first I thought some bird was being slowly tortured by a cat but then I realized it was not a real bird making those sounds, it was ADD boy and his brother. I tried to ride it out thinking surely the dad will come out and tell them to quiet it down but after what seemed like an hour but was really only 5 minutes I gave up hope of that happening. In the meantime I was so distracted I'm pretty sure I massaged my clients hair rather than her back because, as I have mentioned, I have a problem with staying focused. I finally gave up hope that that loser of a father was going to do anything about the racket and excused myself, went outside, yelled at the boy with the duck call and I had to yell because he was being so loud a normal tone of voice would have been pointless, and then returned to my client after putting the fear of god into ADD boy. It actually worked for about 5 minutes before the fear of god wore off and he started up again but thankfully his loser dad came out and took him and his brother and their stupid duck calls away. Who gives a hyperactive child a duck call anyway? How is that a good idea?

The quiet was blissful. My heart rate returned to normal, I was back to focusing and had managed to convince myself my client may actually be enjoying the massage when the big dog with the really booming bark started up. Who knows what that dog barks at, it could be someone walking down the street. It could be a cat skulking around just out of big dog's reach. It could be leaf fluttering down to the side walk. I don't know but I do know it doesn't seem to take much to set him off. Yes, I realize it is probably karmic payback for all the ALLEGED barking my dogs have been accused of doing but once again I am trying to work on focusing during a massage, not trying to be understanding when karmic payback picks a really bad time to occur. Finally, big dog decided whatever he was barking at was not the threat he imagined and stopped, only to start up again a few minutes later and then stop again. At least he wasn't as loud as ADD boy with the duck call but still.

At this point I was really having a hard time focusing on what I was doing but with a herculean effort I managed to get back into focus when the flight for life helicopter flew over. When I say flew over I may be exaggerating because what I think it actually did was hover over my building for a good 15 minutes before remembering to move on. I swear to god I expected storm troopers to break down my door and demand to know what I thought I was doing giving a massage to a massage therapist who would know what a fraud I am and couldn't possibly be enjoying the experience.

Thankfully, after the helicopter moved on the rest of the massage was uneventful. I was a basket case but apparently I give a really good massage when operating in basket case mode because she said it was one of the best she's ever had and she gave me a $15 dollar tip... not that I'm tooting my own horn or anything.