Is it important?

What to write? What to write? Between that question and "why am I not getting a lot of massage clients?" I seem to be purposely trying to speed skate my way to insanity.

Is it really so important that I write? No, in fact the argument could be made that the world would be better off if I kept my thoughts to myself. Then why do I think about it more than I should and attempt to do it when I really have nothing to say that hasn't already been said before? Obviously it has something to do with being the second of five children and feeling, subconsciously, that I was never heard so now I am over-compensating by demanding to be heard through the written word. OBVIOUSLY. Which really doesn't change the fact I have nothing to say.

As to the second question... oh, the thought processes my mind takes me on in an effort to find an answer. Follow along, if you can and if I get lost on the way... welcome to my world. First I think it's because something about my attitude is telling the universe that I don't really want to do massage so no one calls. In order to fix this I try to think positively and politely inform the universe that I do indeed want to do massage and I'm ready and willing and all set up with an office and a table and even a little water fountain to relax people (or make them feel the need to pee half way through a massage) and an iPod with soothing music and all that. But then the evil side of my brain takes over and tries to convince me that maybe I really don't want to be a massage therapist and it is evil because I have moments of pure joy when I'm doing a massage so it can't be right. What, then, is the problem? Who knows and I'm tired of driving myself crazy trying to figure it out.

This believing in making your own destiny and karma and all that stuff can be exhausting.

Take karma, for instance. If someone is rude to me, someone in a position of customer service who should not be rude to me but they are for whatever reason, I write it off to all the bad customer service I inflicted on people during my days behind the bar at the Rio Grande Mexican Restaurant. I suck it up and hope it will be paid up soon. But then I have to wonder what happens to the people who are being rude to me? Are they now racking up bad customer service karma which will be paid off by a waitress telling them to "fuck off" because they dared to ask that the cheese on their burrito be melted? Or does it have something to do with the fact that this person, who is a complete stranger to me in this lifetime, may have been betrayed by me in a past lifetime and summarily banished from the kingdom by the sea because I coveted his wife and camels? How am I supposed to know if this is something that I deserve or if it is just some ass-hole having a bad day and taking it out on me? Do you see how close I am to going bonkers on a daily basis?

But back to my question of it being important for me to write, I guess I would have to answer, "yes, it's very important" seeing as how I can't draw, paint, dance or be a politician but I can, occasionally, write something worth reading and everyone needs a creative outlet. Yes, it is important for me to write. It is not, however important for anyone to read what I write, there seems to be enough suffering in the world as it is.